Blog #27: Breaking up is hard to do.

So you'd like to hear about my weekend. Let me tell you. It all started Thursday night with the call from my boyfriend that began with the dreaded words, "we need to talk." It ended how those talks usually end. Somehow I managed to call my mom right after. It was around 10:30pm on a week night, and I knew she'd be going to bed. BUT... when you need your mom, you need your mom. I'm not entirely sure how she managed to understand the words between my sobs and blubbers, but eventually I was able to communicate to her that I needed her to come over, which she did. Thank God for moms, right? She came over and let me cry and said the things mom's say when their daughters have their hearts broken. So, Friday I went to work in a zombie sort of state, and got through the day with only having to go to the bathroom to weep bitterly about 3 times. I did have some wonderful Mexican food for lunch with Mom & her boss to help cheer me up. I left work in the same zombie state, drove all the way to the Hyvee across the street from my apartment, and realized I left my purse at my office. So, I drove 25 miles BACK to work, got my purse, and turned off the alarms that were going off for whatever reason. Then, I drove back home in the same zombie state... but not without complications with the City of Overland Park. At that point, I had lost every form of appetite and strength that I had left so I just went to bed. Saturday was a different story. I made it to internship orientation and then got back to my apartment where it was time to hit the bed again. My plan was to get some dinner and watch some sad movies. I ended up drinking a bottle of wine alone while bawling my eyes out to PS. I Love You. It was needed and yet still miserable. Today was a little better. I got some quality baby time with my new nephew and some quality girl time with my sister in law over margaritas. And now for the moral of the story. Back in like 2007 I had this thing called "heartbreak day" with my best friend. The idea was that heartbroken girls don't know how good they have it because they get to eat all the ice cream and chocolate they want and cry all the time and no one judges them because they are heartbroken. So, we made a sad song playlist, ate comfort food, and watched sad movies while we drank. I am here to tell you now that it is SO not worth it. I would trade all the ice cream and chocolate in the world not to feel like this. But, because I always love a bright side, I will say that I have felt SUPER connected with my old college music because of this situation and it has made for some real great driving moments while Brand New's Jesse Lacy sings "Back at school they never taught us what we needed to know like how to deal with despair or someone breaking your heart..." or to hear Taking Back Sunday belt out, "It's never bad enough to just leave or give up but it's never good enough to feel right." So, long story long, heartbreak sucks and is miserable and I hate this. However, life goes on and I'll be okay. I just need to trust the process. I win by finding a way to be happy despite how I'm treated... so I'm going to find a way to be happy. If you read this far, I could really use some perspective. How do you deal with heartbreak?

Blog #26: List Recovery and a Nugget of Truth

I figured I would give the blog a few days to recover from that behemoth of a post Friday where for some unknown reason I thought it would be a good idea to try to make a list of 25 things. To be honest, I needed to recover a little bit too. To recap the weekend: I did end up taking myself to see Black Swan. It was VERY good. I went on Saturday morning and as is in keeping with my impressionable self, I spent the rest of the day wondering if I was going crazy too. Then, Saturday night I had my nephews over for games and fun. We played board games on the Wii and then some Uno and Donkey Kong. My 6 year old nephew was coloring and he looks up and goes "Um, what's your name again?" "I'm your Aunt Rissy."(It's not that I am such a bad aunt that he doesn't know me - more like he's just always been bad with names.) Then, just to have some fun, I asked him, "Do you remember my boyfriend's name?" "Tator Todd" See, mnemonic devices DO work. Then he finished coloring the book he was making, which turned out to be a counting book about a giant man eating scorpion. On each page, the scorpion was eating one more person than the page before. I found it both educational AND terrifying. Then we watched Despicable Me and called it a night. In the morning we ate Lucky Charms (which I think would be better if the not marshmallow pieces were also marshmallows) and watched cartoons. After that, my oldest nephew literally beat me at life. As in the game. Yes, at 10 years old, he is already more fiscally responsible than I am. Which, let's face it, is not that big of a surprise. I closed out the Sunday by watching the AFC and NFC championship games, proud that both the teams I liked won. So far this week, aside from basking in the wonder of my awesome new office, I've FINALLY gotten to start school and internship stuff. It's intense, but is going well. I actually have been putting off my Monday class, Research Design, for the entirety of my program because I dreaded it that much... and it's not really going to be all that painful. Things tend to not really be what we build them up to be. And now, for a joke that I heard the other day that I believe has such a nugget of truth in it that I should close out by sharing it with you. It's a his and her diary entry.

Her Diary Saturday night I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment.Conversation wasn’t flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk, he agreed but he kept quiet and absent. I asked him what was wrong he said nothing. I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry.

On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving. I can’t explain his behavior; I don’t know why he didn’t say I love you too.

When we got home I felt as if had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched T.V. he seemed distant and absent.

Finally I decided to go to bed, about 10 minutes later he came to bed and to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, but I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts where somewhere else. I decided that I could not take it anymore so I decided to confront him with the situation but he had fallen asleep. I started crying and cried until I too fell asleep. I don’t know what to do, I’m almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

His Diary

Boat won't start. Can't figure it out, but at least I got laid.

so much truth! right?

Blog #25: 25 Things

In honor of this awesome day and of my 25th post on this blog, I have 25 bullet points, only numbered. 1. Today was awesome. 2. The company I work for is in the process of moving into a new building. Before, I sat in a little cube right outside my bosses office and also near the cafeteria where I got to enjoy all the unpleasant smells of people's alternative food choices like buttered popcorn at breakfast. Now, I am in my own office area and am part of the elite group that gets a break room and bathroom of our own far far away from the cafeteria. Victory. 3. One of my favorite things about my new office is the Keurig one cup coffee brewer (for management and guests only). I never drank the office coffee before because it was crap but now with the one cup brewer and the special additives (nice creamers, milk, splenda) I will never have to buy coffee again. I might even just stop in on the weekends to make myself a cup. 4. Another great thing about today, I AGAIN got to go to Target for work. My main task was to pick up the aforementioned creamers, but I also got myself a nice coat rack because I've always wanted a nice place to hang my coat at work and now I have one. 5. The funny thing about the coat rack is how I got it. First I said to my boss "Can I have a coat rack?" and he was like "There's a closet in the conference room." And then I said "but that's so far away!" And he said "so hang it up on your way in." And I didn't say anything else until I was leaving to go get the coffee stuff and said "I'm going to get coffee creamer and a coat rack." And he was like "fine." Then our CFO hung it up for me. 6. What is it about Target that just makes everything right in the world? How is it so awesome? 7. Another cool thing about my office? My bosses office. Or is it boss's? Grammatically I guess the 2nd one is more correct as far as possessives go but it just looks weird. Anyway, Boss man's office has a full bar and on Friday afternoons we get to drink. Not get wasted mind you, but I drank a glass of wine at work today. At work. I'm just saying. I mean, come ON. Awesome. 8. Boss Man will also soon be getting a shuffleboard table in his office. A shuffleboard table. 9. Another thing that will have you wondering whether I'm working for a company or an amusement park: we're going to have fountain drinks and a jukebox in our lunch room so that it looks like a 50's diner. No word yet on whether poodle skirts and sock hops will be mandatory. 10. After having a glass of wine with my boss and a couple coworkers at the office, we went out for margaritas at a Mexican place nearby. My favorite thing about my job is that I can say that I'm going out for drinks (or to a football game, or at a party, etc) with my boss and I mean it as a fun thing, not an annoying obligation. 11. I just realized how big of a commitment 25 bullet points was. 12. I was in such an excited/good mood today, I didn't even care that I was waiting for the coffee guy for an hour and a half at our new building with literally nothing to do. I may or may not have danced where my office space was. Was there music playing? No. Real ballers don't need music to rock a dance party. 13. I talked to our IT guy for like 20 minutes in the parking lot outside the Mexican place where we went for margaritas. It was freezing, but he's a talker and so am I so it went on forever. 14. Oh lord I'm only on number 14. 15. Go to www.damnyouautocorrect.com. You will not regret it. Believe me, I laughed out loud SO MUCH which got a little awkward because I was just by myself in my cubicle (before I moved to our new place and had an office area, obviously) and laughing like an idiot. 16. I am dying to go shopping. In a couple of weeks I'll have funds. 17. Speaking of "in a couple weeks," in 13 days I can preorder the new Verizon Iphone and in 20 days I'll have it in my hand!!! I AM SO JAZZED! I'M GEEKING OUT OVER IT AND I DON'T EVEN HAVE IT YET I WANT IT SO MUCH OMGLAKFJA;JFA;EIJTA;WIT 18. Technically I'm supposed to have been participating in internship/school things for like 2 weeks now but things keep being canceled because of the weather, so I'm still going home every night with nothing to do. I'm going stir crazy. I need to be busy again. 19. In about 45 days, when I am bemoaning how busy and stressed I am, please remind me of #18. 20. Oh finally, I can see the light at the end of the tunnel! 21. Men and women are so different. I mean, captain obvious, I know. I just think that it's so obvious that it gets overlooked and underestimated. Sometimes, I hate how aware I am of the logical differences (not anatomical... pervs.) in communication styles because I just want to be pissy and throw a fit and let it out when really there's just a fundamental difference there that can't be completely resolved. It can be worked out... but really both sides just need to understand and be compassionate to one another in order to forge a compromise. 22. That was both deep and vague at the same time. I apologize. I'll try to work through it and talk about it another time. 23. I briefly considered taking myself to a movie as I passed the theatre going back to my apartment. However, I couldn't make up my mind about it before passing it and turning around seemed to cumbersome so that idea went out the window. 24. This was exhausting. 25. I think we've all learned a valuable lesson here about grand proclamations. Good night.

Blog #24: Stop the madness!

Oh. My. Gosh. I have been so whiney! Why didn't anyone tell me how annoying I sounded? Oh well. To update you all, on Monday I ended up getting a couple of things for work at Target and then while I was there I picked up some conversation hearts. Then, I put season 1 of Modern Family on my laptop and had that playing in the background while I ate candy and finished my workday. Then I went home and watched even more of it. My mood was sufficiently boosted. And then. The blizzard. Remember how when they had the first World War they called it the "Great War" because surely another war like that could never happen again? And then Hitler came along and BANG. Another one. That is how I feel about the snow. We had the big snowy apocolypse with the super low wind chill and the long drive into work. I thought, "Oh well, every winter has one bad blizzard week." I was happy to have it over with. Nowhere to go but up! But, no. Because yesterday afternoon from about 1 to who knows when... snow took over the Kansas City Metropolitan area. I think we got around 8-12 inches. In one day. My class got canceled (sidenote: I should be well into my second week of internship and first week of classes but I've had NOTHING.) so I was headed home. My 30 minute drive took me 2 and a half HOURS. That's 150 minutes. That's 5 times as long as it usually takes me. It was miserable. My wipers got all clogged up with snow/ice chunks and it was freezing on my windshield despite my desperate attempts to have my defrost on full blast which lead to my car feeling like a SAUNA and there I was with a sweater, coat, and thick scarf on sweating away. And the highways weren't even touched yet and had several inches of snow on them and my little baby Nissan Sentra was having all kind of difficulties going in a straight line and I'm pretty sure that at LEAST 5 years were taken off my life in that 150 minutes. But we're done whining now. Great news, tomorrow is Friday! This week was much quicker than the past 2 have felt. Hallelujah! I have hot plans to clean my apartment in my PJs on Friday and then have my nephews over for game night on Saturday. That's an evening with not one, but two charming young gentlemen. Back off ladies, they're all mine.

Blog #22: A Case of the Mondays

I really don't like to talk about my flair. Today's blog is brought to you by the movie, Office Space. It's been a while since I've seen it but I feel that it accurately reflects the mood I'm in at work today. Trapped in cubicle hell in a neverending cycle of living for Friday only to be disappointed when you have to start all over again on Monday (though my boss is way better than the one on Office Space.) A nice, relaxing, and fun weekend sharply came to an end at 5:15 this morning when it was time to get up and leave Todd's house for work. I was worried that there might be weather so I left at 5:40 instead of the usual 6:30. However, it was just the basic hour and 15 minute drive so I was at work at 7am. I was half considering taking a page out of Ron Livingston's character's book and just not going to work anymore. I'm just... not gonna go. It's better than burning the place down. Sleep the past couple nights has been patchy at best, and for some reason my back is way achey and my shoulders are TIGHT dude. And I don't mean "tight" like when someone is saying how awesome something is. I mean that there are more knots in my upper back than in a room full of boy scouts trying to earn merit badges. Lately Mondays have been really rough for me. Rude awakenings at the end of such great weekends. And though the next weekend is only 4 days away, it's likely closer to 12 before I'll get to see boyfriend again because he's got a conference next weekend and classes/internship are starting up for me so weeknights together will be sparse. I find it increasingly exhausting and difficult to make it through the "in between" times. Such is life. One way or another it won't be like this forever, right? Anyhow, today is the kind of day that Karen Carpenter sings about (rainy days and Mondays always get me down.) and I feel very blah. I need some cheering up. Here are some things that would cheer me up (in no particular order and with varying levels of possibility): 1. Valentines candy. Specifically Sweetheart Tarts (not to be confused with Sweet Tart Hearts, which would also do the trick as long as they are the chewy kind.) 2. Bearcat football. Specifically a chance to redo the semi final game from December, then winning it, then going to the championship game in Bama, then winning that, then getting a new 2009-2010 back to back Bearcat Championship T shirt. 3. Going home... or back to Todd's to cuddle and watch TV some more. 4. Going to Target (which I am actually going to get to do today but I have to buy microwaves for work so I'm not sure that counts.) 5. Chiefs get a chance to replay the Ravens because the NFL called our game a "misgame" because of the crappy officiating. We go on to shock the world by winning 4 in a row and being the 2010 Season Superbowl Champions. 6. Weekends forever. Particularly a weekend just like this past one over and over again. 7. A surprise. But only a good surprise. 8. A bunch of good TV. I might actually get some of this tonight as there are a few more shows coming back this week. 9. A good book and the quiet time alone to read it. 10. A shopping spree. Without financial consequences. Mmm... new clothes would REALLY cheer me up. And shoes too. And a pedicure. I hardly think that's too much to ask.

Blog #21: WebMD & the Self Diagnosis of Ulcers

Greetings and TGIF... RIGHT? Where have I been, you ask? I left work a little early (which just means "before 5" though, working from 6:20am-4:15pm is hardly leaving "early) Tuesday to spend some time with this guy: Yeah. I know. LUCKY ME BOOYAH. He is crawling EVERYWHERE and we were also lucky enough to witness him pulling himself up on his exersaucer ALL BY HIMSELF for what we assume is the first or one of the first times. It was magical. I love him. I want to hold him all of the time. Then it was Wednesday which was a busy and long day at work. I don't remember a lot about it, actually. It must have been pretty boring. Afterwards I watched some TV and went to sleep. Then it was 4am Thursday and my insides were rebelling against me. I'll spare you the disgusting details but suffice it to say that my stomach was not pleased and I would be working from home. It was okay though, because then I got to try the "work, nap, work, nap" cycle I'd been planning. Okay, so I haven't really been planning it but I might instigate it now. It went something like this: 1. Log in to remote work desktop from laptop in bed 2. do some reports 3. email reports. 4. nap for an hour or so 5. wake up, check emails 6. respond to emails 7. nap for an hour or so 8. repeat until 5:00pm. Then shut off laptop and watch movies on HBO. If it weren't for the nausea and other stomach pain, I'd call it the ideal workday. But, alas. Today did not start up much better. I had a near repeat of the great coffee disaster of 2011 ALREADY. I mean, I did spill my coffee. Everywhere. Before I even got a sip. But, only a marginal amount even got on my jeans and it was in a location that was barely noticable so instead of having to change, I just went to work cranky and caffeine-less. I had a doctor's appointment today. Just a regular physical (all that fun stuff) but I also told her about my weird hunger pangs and the WebMd research that leads me to believe I have an ulcer. I'm not sure if doctors really appreciate that sites like WebMD exist, especially for health hypervigilant people such as myself who research every little gurgle, itch, or ache until I come up with a diagnosis. However, she humored me and had blood drawn, as well as giving me some samples of nexium and a handout on how to ease symptoms. One main thing that she thought may be my problem was a high caffeine intake. That didn't stop me from getting a large diet coke from Sonic on the way back to work though. I mean, it was happy hour. It was only 98 cents. What would you do in a situation like that? Besides, I've had ZERO caffeine today. ZERO. And now that I believe I've successfully eaten a sandwich (true success will be determined in the next hour or so) and have had my Sonic drink, and only have about 90 minutes left of work... Friday is looking up. Tonight I'm meeting boyfriend for Mexican and then we're going to have a date night in. Then, tomorrow is our 5th and final Christmas gathering with his aunt&uncle&fam. I think it will involve cute kids and NFL playoff football so I won't complain. Hopefully this weekend helps reset my working clock so that the work week doesn't seem so long and the weekends so short. The holiday season of short weeks and long weekends spoiled me and now I feel like it should always be that way. That was a million words about pretty boring stuff but that is my life lately. Next week school starts and a couple weeks after that I will get my VERIZON IPHONE so I'm sure I'll have much more interesting things to share then.

Blog #20: Snowy Apocalypse Part II: Electric Boogaloo

My war with the snow continues. Winter did not approve of the disparaging things that I published about it yesterday and chose to punish me today but I will not be silenced. I will continue to speak out against the unjust and corrupt season. Today I left my apartment at the ungodly hour of 5:40am to be sure that I could get to work by 7:00am (I know! It's practically the middle of the night!). As mentioned yesterday, it's typically a 25 minute drive but Winter can not be trusted. Anyhow, it was only 40 minutes yesterday and at 6:20am I was trying to get into our office building. The temperatures were frigid and I pulled on the door to find it... locked. Of course. So I proceeded to make my way to a different door in order to try to gain entrance. As I walked across the area, I slipped. And fell. And landed on my ass. And my arm, but it sounded better to say "and landed on my ass." But it was mostly my arm. Don't worry, I'm okay. Just bruised hand and pride. After all of that, the other office door was still locked but luckily my boss was already there so I called his cell phone and after he answered with a hatefully chipper "good morning!" I managed to stutter/shiver out the words, "c-c-c-can you com-m-me l-l-let m-me in?" And he did. I took about 30 minutes to defrost at my desk before it was time for the meeting, which is good because I was instructed to take "copious notes" and that's hard to do when your hand is frozen. Anyhow, I was supposed to start my internship tonight but they had to good sense to honor Winter and close their doors. Not my work. Stick it to the man, we do. Man, I envy teachers.

Blog #19: Snowy Apocalypse

Well, it's blizzarding in Kansas City so everyone is acting like it's the end of the world. And by everyone I mean me. When it snows like this all I want to do is hunker down in my home and snuggle up in a blanket. My alarm is set to a radio station and when it went off this morning I was greeted by a list of 200+ school closings in the Kansas City area. I looked out my window and saw that conditions appeared dismal. I began to plan the text I would send to my boss about doing my morning work from home and trying to wait until noon to come in to let the snow plows have a chance to do their thing. However, right as I formulated this plan, I saw an email from him at 6:15. He was already at work. He was asking that we all do our best to get in as it was going to be a skeleton crew and he needed management to set an example. Usually I love my boss. I should have been a teacher. My drive to work is usually 25 minutes of stress-free minimal traffic bliss. It's generally very easy to manage. It allows me to gear up for a day at work. I usually leave at around 6:50-7 and get to work between 7:15 and 7:30. This gives me 30 minutes before it is business hours for me to continue my getting into gear process. Today, I left at 6:50 and did not get to work until 8:05. Yes, that is an hour and 15 minutes. And it wasn't just an easy peasy stress free drive either. It was like a journey through frozen tundras of Hell. Cars were spun out everywhere and the highway hadn't even been thought about by snow plows yet. I didn't get above 30mph for the whole trip. I usually go about 75. It is by an act of God that I made it safely. I'm the first to tell you that I'm an okay driver on a great day but I get nervous easily and am TERRIBLE in bad weather - and my little Sentra isn't built for it either. Not like boyfriend, who drives a big truck built for this kind of weather - but he's a teacher so he's at home relaxing today. Jerk. Anyhow, Nessie Nissan was tiny and afraid and the trip was long and scary. And, great news, the weather is REALLY supposed to get nasty between 4 and 6! Just in time for the commute home! I'm trying to decide how inappropriate it would be to sleep under my desk so that I can get here in time for my 7am meeting tomorrow. If only I'd packed a change of clothes.

Blog #18: Right Back On the Horse

My, this week is crawling. It's not that I haven't had time to write since January 2nd. It's just that this week is moving so slowly at work that I feel like my soul and energy are simultaneously being sucked out of my body by a 2 year old with a crazy straw. That's the problem after so many short weeks and long weekends. A normal week feels like cruel and unusual punishment. I haven't had class or my internship start up yet so I've been going home every day and sitting on my couch letting the television kill my brain cells. Every time I thought of updating, I would think that it sounded like work and I was done with work for the day. In my defense, yesterday I did start a new book on my Kindle. I thought I would slowly work into waking up my cognitive processes before they get shell shocked with academia. It's going pretty well. And now, I'm ready to tell you this story: Monday was a typical Monday. I woke up late and rushed to work, so I didn't get my morning caffeine. I decided that instead of a full fledged lunch break I would just take 20 minutes and zip over to Starbucks with my giftcard for a fix. I got a Skinny Vanilla Latte. I drove back to work,munching on a spinach/egg white wrap. When I pulled back into the parking lot at work I noticed that the lid on my vanilla latte was a little loose. As I tried to adjust it, disaster! In what appeared to be slow motion (yet I couldn't stop it) the cup flipped over and I had PIPING HOT latte ALL OVER MY LAP. OW THE BURNING. So, instead of a 20 minute lunch break, I had an hour and a half lunch "break" because I had to drive all the way home and put on different clothes and treat the third degree burns on my legs. On the way back I went through the Dunkin Donuts drive thru for a coffee because what do you do when you fall off of the horse? That's right, you get right back on. The rest of the day after that was kind of noneventful until I got home and watched the new episode of How I Met Your Mother which is always good for a cheap laugh and then they tricked me and made me cry at the end. And then I watched the movie about The Craigslist killer on Lifetime which turned out to be a huge mistake because then I couldn't fall asleep because I was worried that my boyfriend might also be secretly hunting down prostitutes and attacking them. I mean, no one even believed this Markoff guy was capable of it. I'm just saying. That's all.

Blog #17: Resolutions

It's 2011. I'm going to drink more wine because it is delicious and sophisticated. I'm going to weigh myself LESS because the number rarely changes by that much and all it does is stress me out. I'm going to try to keep control of my finances and all of the other things that get messy in my life. I'm going to scream as loud as possible at the Chiefs home playoff game that I get to go to while wearing my Tony Moeaki sweatshirt. I'm going to think positive about my Bearcats even though we don't have Coach T anymore and graduated a ton of seniors. I'm going to graduate with my Master's and a cumulative 4.0 in grad school coursework. I'm going to drink a ton of water and laugh at least once a day. I'm going to floss more and finally get back to the dentist. I'm going to enjoy the time I get to spend with my boyfriend and the stage we are in our lives. I'm going to take it easy and try to let life go by a little more slowly because 2010 flew by and I want to savor life in 2011 without losing track of it. It's 2011 and it's going to be a good year.