Blog #159: Imaginaaaaation

Today, we talk about imagination.

I've always had a pretty active imagination. Probably because I've always been a huge reader. I love to read and always have. I go to a whole different place and time and can get in this zone of the story and all of the sudden hours pass by and I didn't even know. 

This served me really well as a little kid. I could entertain myself for hours. Anything could be a toy. Even basic school supplies. One time my Crayola markers were people who talked to each other and traded "hats" around. Another time it was my erasers (the kinds you put on the end of the pencil, are those still things?). Obviously the pink and purple markers/erasers were girls while blue and red were boys. Occasionally this would get me in trouble for not paying attention in class because I was involved in a dramatic enactment of my character's scenes from The Oregon Trail when the yellow marker has dysentery, but mostly the imagination was a good thing. You should see the plot lines and story arcs I had going with my barbies. Soap opera stuff. 

Growing up, however, has translated into a very different direction for my imagination. Instead of sitting at work creating stories with paper clips and post it notes, my imagination instead has me thinking of WORST POSSIBLE SCENARIOS. It gets pretty dark.

Last week I accidentally left my phone in my car overnight while it was in the shop getting a tire repaired. This wouldn't be a HUGE deal except that I don't have Internet or a land line in my apartment so I was OFF THE GRID. So, here is what imagination did for me:  

"No phone. Huh. Okay. Well, I don't need to reach anyone tonight. It's fine. I'll just read. Though, what if there's an emergency? What if something happens to someone in my family and they can't get ahold of me? I guess they could call Eric and he could come get me. But how would he get in? He doesn't have the pass code to my building and I wouldn't know he was here! And what if someone saw him trying to get in and got suspicious and called the police? I guess they would help him get in if they believed him. But what if they didn't!? And then he got arrested and was stuck in jail and couldn't call me? Or, what if someone does let him in and turns out to be a crazy person who attacks him in the elevator? And then they come after me! And then I can't call anyone either! Or what if he gets in and then takes the elevator because he thinks it will be quicker and then it gets stuck!? Oh god I can't be off the grid!"

It was ridiculous. And it was all because of my imagination. Who would have thought that the same gift that gave me hours of cheap entertainment as a child would be the one that fuels my wine drinking as an adult.

That was a joke. Don't send me things about substance abuse.

Blog #158: are you there blog? It's me, Marissa

Well. THAT escalated quickly. It really got out of hand.

One minute I'm pouring my heart out excited about my new job and new life and new possibilities and then all the sudden 7 months have passed and here I am all bleary eyed like I've just snapped out of a trance.

It's a whole different world from when I blogged last. I mean, the Chiefs are undefeated, Pitt State beat MOworst, cats and dogs are living together... It's like a weird parallel universe I never dreamed of being a part of.

I'm sorry. I really am. Not to the 3 people who ever read what I write here but to myself because this is a thing I enjoy doing and I let myself get swallowed up and overwhelmed and I stopped. And this wasn't the only thing I stopped doing. I stopped working out, I stopped having fun with my nails and clothes, I stopped reading as much... I basically spent the last 7 months In a haze of eating, sleeping, working, working, sleeping, watching Netflix, eating, drinking, and a couple sporadic other activities here and there to break the cycle.  Throughout that time you will also find some coping with family tragedy, relationship growing pains, no small amount of anxiety and fretting, and being just plumb tired. It's been an intense several months. I'm certainly not complaining as I'm convinced more than ever that in this world I'm definitively and unfairly one of the lucky ones - my own struggles included.

Don't worry about me. Things are okay. Pretty great even. And this is just a note to say that I think I'm back. No promises or anything but I'm settling in pretty well now in my new life and figuring out where things fit, and I'm pretty sure I am going to make room for this blog. I've been reading a ton lately which really gives me an itch to write, and blogger gives me a place to put my thoughts. Expect to find my musings here, with a lot less work stories than before because the most interesting (and often most hilarious) part of working in the mental health field is protected by HIPPA and they tend to frown on telling those stories on your blog. People are SO sensitive, I know.

Anyhow. Hey again. That's all.

Blog #157: ANNOUNCEMENTS! (and my overreaction to the loss of google reader)

"The water always looks too cold until you jump in and get used to it"

These are wise words from my mother about making big changes in life, a timely adage for my current situation. No, this is not just me being over dramatic about the end of Google Reader and my quest to find a new way to check all my favorite daily blogs.Though, you're right, I wouldn't put that past me either.

I have been so very lucky to spend the past 4 years working for my boss at Centrinex. I couldn't have asked for a more generous, flexible, and understanding person to work for as I pursued and finished my Master's degree. Very few other companies or bosses would have allowed for the creative scheduling and flex hours needed to make my educational aspirations a reality. On top of that, I have been able to have experiences that I would never have gotten to have on my own at this stage in my life. I've sat in the exclusive "Crown Club" at Royals baseball games numerous times. I've participated in company fitness challenges. I've gotten to go to banquets, conferences, concerts, and of course Chiefs games all in seats that I wouldn't be able to purchase on my own. I've planned parties, had Friday Happy Hours at the office, and drank for free at many events all because of who I am to my boss and the company. It's an experience that has likely spoiled me for other work environments.

But.

I've overstayed. That's happened to everyone, right? I got comfortable to the point that even when I finished my education, I was slow to start looking for jobs that used it and challenged my newly developed skills. Instead, I let the same tasks that once used to be fun for me eat away at me and annoy me. I began to resent the very things that I enjoyed even just a year ago. I knew it was time to be more active in my search for a job that justified the time and money I had invested in my education. So, I did. And I found something. Then I interviewed. Then, Friday, they offered me a job.

When my sweet nephews were 5 and 9 my cousin and I took them to the Omaha zoo. That's a big deal because we're in KC and our zoo doesn't have an aquarium (the KC aquarium wasn't there then). Anyhow, the 5 year old was SO EXCITED to walk through the tunnel to see the sharks. It was all he talked about the entire trip up there. Then, when the time came to walk through the aquarium tunnel, surrounded by glass and sea life on all sides, he FREAKED. He took off in the opposite direction. I had to chase him down and carry him into the tunnel. Eventually he calmed down and ended up loving it.

I tell this story because upon actually interviewing for the job and getting the offer my first instinct was fear. Like my  nephew I've been waiting for this moment, talking about it, excited for it, but all the sudden it's in front of me and it's so much bigger and all encompassing than I could have imagined. But, I'll get to see and learn so much more - much like he did once he actually forayed into the tunnel.

April 12th is my last day at the job where I consider I did the most of my "growing up" in the past 10 years. The following week I'll begin my new adventure as a Clinical Supervisor at Family Guidance Center. (It's in St. Joseph but it's a great place anyway. Don't worry, I'll bring all my Bearcat enthusiasm and shout it loud and proud)  I will be in a brand new situation with new expectations, goals, and responsibilities. A whole new life, really.

Change is scary, and transition is rarely easy. You're cold at first when you jump into the pool. However, you're also refreshed and exhilarated.At least with this change I don't have to worry about getting water up my nose. I'm so excited about my new adventure.

Blog #156: Big News!

This morning I got up and did my workout at the gym BEFORE work all on my own without having the accountability and $ motivation of having an appointment with my trainer!

These clothes actually got worn for their purpose today!

Granted, my motivation wasn't entirely pure. Aside from my upcoming poolside weekend in TX, my trainer has me on MWF resistance workout days.If I didn't get up early for this one, I'd have to do it after work meaning:

1. I'd be stuck inside for my workout while the sun was shining outside.

2. I'd be rushed to clean up in time for one of my all time favorite church services. (Good Friday is so powerful)

and perhaps most convincingly (though I know how admitting this makes me look)

3. I wouldn't be able to entertain the possibility of Friday happy hour at the office.

So, I was at the gym by 5:40am, warming up on the treadmill and then busting my muscles.

(What, you were expecting different news? THIS IS MY LIFE.) 

Blog #155: "Spring" Break?

Yes, you did lie, Phil. Not okay. But that didn't stop me from taking a last minute "spring break" trip with boyfriend.

Yes, this guy.

We found ourselves in Eureka Springs, AR for 3 days of rest and relaxation just for the heck of it.

That's our little cabin, complete with the bikes out front which we didn't end up riding because we forgot to bring helmets, the bike store wasn't open when we needed to get them, and SAFETY FIRST.

We did, however, hike like it was our job. (Meaning, after sleeping in and leisurely getting ready, we hiked for a couple hours in the morning, took a lunch break and a nap, then hiked a couple more hours before dinner.Best job ever.)

Boyfriend wouldn't let me take this heart shaped rock we found home because he is noble and unselfish unlike myself. I settled for a picture.

Here are more shots from our intrepid explorations.

And then, of course, we spent an evening like this:

The trip home included some BBQ Nachos & Quesadillas at Danna's in Branson that may have changed my life. Were they really that good or was it the fact that I was eating them relishing in the knowledge that Coach T was returning to Northwest? We may never know. And I have no photographic evidence because we devoured that stuff before I had a chance. I did get a shot of this though:

We went to another distillery! After the fun we had touring the Garrison Brothers Bourbon Distillery in TX, we were excited to check this place out. Not quite as big of an operation but still delicious stuff.

Then, from Branson, we went through Springfield. Boyfriend wanted to stop a specific boating/surfing/etc shop and I wanted this:

If someone opens one in the KC area I will be forever indebted.

That's all for now. I'm going to be cryptic and tell you I have a few things in the realm of possibility over the next week or so that I will definitely be back here sharing if/when they happen.

PS: I PASSED THE NCE!!!! Boom.

Blog #154: Love and Ashes

Happy Valentine's Day lovers!

That was weird.

But seriously. Today is a fun day. It is fun no matter what your situation is. No one is saying coupledom is inherently better than singledom or vice versa. I'm just saying that a day devoted to sweets, love, love songs, and giving people cards is a good day. And also I like wearing my red pants.

I've written Valentine's Day posts before (here is a good one from 2011) so I don't feel the need to go on too much about it today. Also, I'm about to carb/sugar crash because of the heart shaped bagel, strawberry cake bar, and giant sugar cookie I've managed to eat before noon.

I tried to go to the gym before church last night. I had a strength workout prescribed by my trainer so I did 20 minutes of cardio on the treadmill to warm up and then headed over to the TRX rope things that the bulk of my listed exercises depends on. AND THERE WERE PEOPLE. No one was using the thing that I needed to use but there were so many guys standing around using the equipment right next to it and blocking my space. I was beside myself. Did they not realize I was on a schedule? I stood around awkwardly for a minute before leaving post haste to finish whatever strength exercises I could manage at home.

Then I went to Ash Wednesday. It's one of my favorite services. Weird how a solemn day meant to basically remind you of your mortality and helplessness is such a favorite of mine. Maybe I'll go into therapy and figure it out at a later date. That's neither here nor there. I wanted to note 2 things about the service.

1. We got to sing my favorite hymn (My Song is Love Unknown) during communion. Unfortunately, whenever this happens I turn it into this anxious obsessive moment. First of all, it was the second song listed. The organist took awhile to get started and we were getting through the communion pretty quickly and I began to worry that we wouldn't get to it. I started silently tapping my fingers on my bulletin and occasionally craning my neck back to see where the organist sat and why she wasn't getting on her game. Obviously we had plenty of time for the song and then some but leave it to me to find some way to feel anxiety over a hymn.
2. You guys. I am a child. A friggin' 8 year old. EVERY YEAR, as I line up to get my ashes I am first reminded what a solemn and meaningful moment it is. Then, as I get closer and my turn approaches, my brain decides that this would be a good time to remind me how incredibly inappropriate any form of laughter would be during the distribution of the ashes. Obviously. What do I do immediately upon knowing that this would be the worse possible time to laugh? I spent the next 2 minutes in line twisting my mouth in all kinds of contortions to keep from smiling while keeping my head down. Then, I as I looked up at the pastor to get my ashes, he held his forefinger out to make a cross on my head, but in my mind for a brief second I thought he would just poke me in the nose with his ashy finger and say "BOOP! GOT YOUR NOSE!" You picture an old man doing that to your face in a church and try not to smile. Anyhow, proud to say that I made it though I did immediately look down and walk very quickly back to my seat after I got my ashes. To dust I shall return indeed.

Then I went home and baked all kinds of deliciousness for various sets of Valentine's (work, the boy).

Enjoy the rest of your day of LURRRRVE.

Blog #153: I was funnier 5-7 years ago

I keep going back and reading my old xanga (password protected for those of you that would try to search for me) and just LAUGHING because that girl was hilarious. And not in a "I can't believe I wrote that" laughing AT kind of hilarious but just really funny. I don't think I really knew it at the time. I mean, my main goal was usually to be light hearted and jokey (as it often is here though sometimes I spend an inordinate amount of time being overly wordy and talking about my nutrition) but I guess maybe I didn't realize I was accomplishing it.  I don't feel very funny on my blogger all the time. Maybe I use up all my wit on Twitter. Probably my nearly daily xanga habit was the cause of my free flowing easy writing style. I imagine that if I kept this up as frequently maybe I could someday be that funny again.  So maybe I'll just start telling random stories about my day and seeing if I can get back in the practice of getting a laugh here and there by posting more often.

I could tell you about last Friday.

I had worked out over lunch and chosen comfy clothes to wear to work (leggings and a longish loose striped shirt and ballet flats). My boss came in for the day at 2pm (it's good to be king) and saw me with my hair in a ridiculously bad messy bun (yes, there actually is such a thing as a bad messy bun) and headband to hide my sweaty bangs. Any makeup I'd had on had likely been a victim of the gym as well. I had no reason to reapply it. He looked at me and said "Have you just given  up now? Is that it?"

This, from the same man I once witnessed conduct an interview in green tear away track pants and a black hoodie while the interviewee wore a suit and tie. But that's neither here nor there.

I probably did look pretty ridiculous for an office setting. An outfit that could basically double as pajamas would probably have been more acceptable if my face/hair were to par (which it mostly was before lunch). However it was a Friday and I had already told him that I was going to work out over lunch so I'm not sure what he expected.

It's a bit of a wake up call though. I have noticed that as I get more comfortable in a relationship my motivation to look halfway decent in anything EXCEPT for things involving the relationship (dates, group outings, family gatherings) goes away. Why do I need to look good at work? I'm not trying to impress anyone new! I might have taken this too far in the name of sleeping an extra 30 minutes in the mornings. But I'm only human.

(Please do not worry about the seeming verbal abuse from my boss. It's okay. It's the kind of rapport we have. I've made a number of comments about his wardrobe choices.)

PS I'm taking the NCE next Wednesday. Hopefully that means I'll be more marketable in my chosen field. Unfortunately that will mean that I will not have my boss to use as material for all my funny stories anymore.