Blog #166: An Open Letter to the New Year

Dear 2014,

Please, be gentle. 

There are those of us to whom 2013 was unkind, and we are a little gun shy about being excited for you. It's nothing personal - it will just take some cautious care to engage us in the hoping and wishing a new year typically brings. We are like puppies who have been kicked around and are hesitant to trust new humans. 

So I ask you, New Year, to handle us with care. Give us time to warm up to you. Of course you will have some difficult times. No year is without them. But could you maybe ease us into them? Just give us some time to mend the wounds from the stress, loss, frustrations, and disappointments in 2013 before you test us with your own trials. 

Don't worry, 2014. We'll come around eventually and think about all the possibilities you bring and begin to think of the good things that could come with you. But for now, we're treading lightly, looking over our shoulders and making sure you aren't holding a weapon. Once we feel safe, we're all yours.

Sincerely,

Me

Blog #165: CHAMPIONS

THE BEARCATS ARE NATIONAL CHAMPIONS AND IF YOU READ NOTHING ELSE IN THIS LONGER THAN USUAL BLOG YOU WILL HAVE READ THAT. 

Today I remembered a couple of things. I remembered why I love football so much. I remembered why I am so proud to be a Bearcat and why Bearcats are special. I remembered how healing an evening gathered with family can be. And I remembered that I am completely terrified to drive in any sort of winter weather.

I never really forgot that I loved football. More like I just took it for granted. Duh, Marissa loves football. No one is surprised. But watching the Bearcats WIN the championship game today was just a reminder of the combination of emotion, skill, and control that football is. 

I guess it's also no surprise that I'm a proud Bearcat. This is not news to anyone. And if it is then I probably need to have a conversation with you about your  comprehension and retention skills. But you tell me what other school can inspire friendships to develop simply because of the commonality of school. I went to a watch party on my own (because my date was my stepdad and he ended up working all night and not being up for a bar watch party) and I was a little frustrated about it. I had visions of sitting by myself like a loser moping. I briefly considered throwing in the towel on the watch party and just going to watch the game at my brother's house. But I went in anyhow. Within an hour I had a spot at a table with new friends. We visited, cheered, high fived, and left having exchanged numbers for future hanging out possibilities. I just believe that being a Bearcat really means being part of a family more so than other college. I don't know anyone else who identifies so strongly with their undergrad alma mater (except for other Bearcats - we stick together.) Sure, the fact that our football team has had a long run of success is probably helpful - but I can't help but believe that there's some kind of magic in being a Bearcat unrelated to sports that creates a bond in those who attended that's stronger than most. It's special for me to be a part of that and I'm so thankful that the choice I made on a bit of a whim as a 17 year old high school senior turned out to be one of the best choices I've ever made. AND WE ARE CHAMPIONS.

Following the BEARCAT VICTORY (sorry, all caps was necessary), I headed up to Smithville for one of my 3 Christmas gatherings this weekend (out of 4 total). I have been really struggling to be into Christmas this year for a number of reasons (I like to refer to it as "the perfect storm" of crap that could have gone down over the last few months). I've been basically forcing myself to feel the spirit of the season by watching every possible Christmas special, listening to Christmas music (on days when I wasn't too frustrated to stomach it) and participate in Christmas festivities. This struggle to "feel" Christmas was a bummer for me because I really love Christmas. I love the whole season from November 1 through the end of the year for all the family and festivities and feeling of gratitude and goodwill. And this year it's been more like I've been going through the motions. Like I've spent every last ounce of energy that I have on just existing and I don't have the resources to enjoy extra things. So, I was expecting that feeling to continue throughout the gathering. But, as soon as I got there, it was like a wake up call. Seeing the kids being adorable kids and the thoughtful gifts given and the conversation being had - it was so nice. It was like a feeling of warmth to just kind of remind me why this time of year is typically a happy one for me. It was a reminder that frustrating times are just that - times - and that they pass because that's what time does.

After the gathering it was time to head home - in the ice storm. I have a storied history with driving in winter weather that does include one totaled car as a direct result of the conditions. This storied history has lead to me being less than confident a winter driver. You might say I'm a bit timid behind the wheel as soon as the advisory starts. I'd kind of forgotten that because the advisories we've had so far have been lame and useless and the roads were fine - leaving me to think that I'm more confident of an inclement weather driver than I really am. But, don't worry, today I got my comeuppance. I got in the car to drive home in the pitch black dark as ice pretty much rained from the sky and solidified upon contact to whatever it landed on. I think I averaged 20mph over the whole drive. What is typically a 25 minute drive took me nearly an hour and by the time I got to park I was so exhausted and tense that I thought I might just sleep there. I mean, I made it without incident (likely thanks to the salt truck I refused to pass that graced me with it's presence for a little over half the drive) but I certainly wasn't comfortable. Then I got out of the car and promptly slipped and caught myself just before totally face planting it. So, to confirm, winter and I? Not friends.

This got more introspective than I really intended but let's roll with it. I just need the Chiefs to win tomorrow and to hone my Bunko skills and the weekend will be a complete success.

Until next time, Internet.

Blog #164: Tragedy strikes again.

Well.

It's happened.

After all the pain and suffering I've been through trying to get the internet set up in my apartment.

You'd think "This internet inconvenience alone is almost too much for just one person to handle. I'm impressed by her shear heroics of carrying on throughout this difficult time. Certainly she can catch a break and have the internet be really fast and the perfect choice for watching her shows on netflix."

And you'd be wrong.

The worst has happened. I chose the wrong level of internet and now I have to go through the whole process of upgrading my choice and paying more so I can have my streaming video.

WHY GOD WHY ME. WHY DO ALL THE BAD THINGS HAVE TO HAPPEN TO ME.  WITH ALL THE SHOWS ON NETFLIX AND HULU WAITING FOR MY EYES TO WATCH THEM, HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN.

Bad things DO happen to good people you guys. This internet situation is all the proof you need. All I can do is stream music and make posts on social media. WHAT IS THIS, THE STONE AGES?

No wonder I've been too stressed to eat.

Blog #163: Houston, we have wifi.

Okay. So remember when I made that post like a month ago and said I would have internet installed within a week? That was silly.

So, after a ridiculous back and forth between me, ATT, my apartment manager, ATT, me, my apartment manager that took approximately a month, WE HAVE WIFI HALLELUJAH. Granted, if I had made the necessary phone calls in a more timely manner to follow up on this it probably could have been fixed within a week or so but who has the time to make phone calls? Seriously. I want to know who has the time. I have no time. Ever.

But now, thanks to some above and beyond help from my apartment manager while I was stuck in St. Joseph,  as of today I have the internet in my home meaning my data plan for my iphone will finally get a break.

Because sometimes even though things very often don't work out the way you think they are going to, they still work out in the end. 

So, in celebration of that fact, below you'll find pictures of the things that are good lately. Because amidst stress and frustration and hard work and navigating family crises... there is good. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a TON of Netflix to watch to make up for lost time.

Oh, and also BEARCATS ARE PLAYING IN THE NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP GAME NEXT WEEK AND IT MAKES ME TYPE IN ALL CAPS.

Spent the whole day a while back with these boogers. It was exhausting but they are fantastic.

I'm thankful this picture exists in the world. And for the trip I had to hang out with these wackos.

Duh. CHIEFS. (We decorated this tree on the side of 360hwy in Austin)

It's true love between me and the Chestnut Praline Latte at Starbucks

Double: BEARCATS and I got new glasses. but mostly BEARCATS. Unfortunately I have a full and rewarding life so I am unable to drop everything (like family christmas festivities) for a trip to Bama for the Championship. But I will be watching and eating Mrs. T approved lucky licorice for my beloved BEARCATS.

First annual sister holiday baking day was a success, aprons and all!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

These boys are the best kids in the world, and that is a proven fact. Plus, look how they take after their favorite aunt in their stylin' specs! FOUR EYES UNITE

Blog #162: Studio Success

That they do. I'm about to show you what happens when you productively channel emotions... I wish I had taken "before" pictures because this isn't going to look necessarily beautiful... Because I am not an interior designer and am not too interested in "decorating" a studio not designed for visitors. It's purpose is more my own haven of serenity... So while it is rough around the edges there at least isn't an overwhelming feeling of anxiety whenever I look around. I apologize for the lack of structured sentences in this paragraph.

Behold!

You know, it took some time but I finally accomplished what I intended to when I chose to downsize to a studio. I got rid of some things, found a place for everything, and settled into a manageable living situation I can maintain. I seriously feel so much relief when I am at home now. To reward myself I ordered Internet that I'll self install Friday. And God said it is not good for Marissa to be without her shows. He said let there be Netflix. And it was good.

Blog #161: acting as if

Who doesn't love the surge of productivity that follows a major life change? I've felt the most confident at work this week as I ever have. That's not easy to do in the mental health field and I'm going to enjoy it because feeling on top of things is reeeeeeeal fleeting in my position and probably by next week I'll wonder how I even ever qualified for the job.

I have a theory about my level of production this week. While it's at least 20% coffee related (my coffee intake has at least doubled this week) I think the other 80% was a state of mind inspired by a small habit change I made. Instead of rolling out of bed and throwing on whatever and maybe doing my makeup maybe not and the "eh, messy bun is fine" for my hair... I got back in the habit of picking out and putting together an outfit the night before - accessories and all. I styled my hair in the morning. Did my makeup before getting in the car. I felt and looked more put together than I had in months. And what followed was a productive, together week. In a way it's a lot like the "fake it til you make it" mentality but I prefer to call it "acting as if". By choosing to "act as if" I have my shit together, I end up actually... Sort of having my shit together! 

Now, shit gathered or not, I reserve my right to TOTALLY LOSE MY SHIT during both the major football games I have interest in this weekend. It doesn't matter what I wear. 

Blog #160: on changes and choices and CHIEFS

Before I start anything I need to say that I have that show "The Doctors" on right now and they were talking about an anti aging procedure that could "turn back the clock on your face" which is a nice turn of phrase but then the graphic that went along with it just said in big letters "CLOCK ON YOUR FACE" without the first part of the phrase and now I just want to say that to people who frustrate me. "CLOCK ON YOUR FACE, MF-ER!"

Okay. Things in life can go from one way to another very quickly regardless of who you are or what you do. And I am no exception. So while now I am again navigating singledom instead of relationship-dom unexpectedly I'm not going to write about it or spend time on it because change is part of life and I don't feel like spending any more time on this change.

Instead I am making choices to manage my feelings - giving myself personal time to experience them but then taking action by doing things I know will ultimately make me better in a more lasting and permanent way than feelings exist. Feelings come and go and are fickle and change all the time. So, instead of spending more than minimum necessary time with indulging them, I am choosing productivity. That means that now I have a clean (though it needs a vacuum) car, and the beginnings of a system of organization in my apartment. And, because my mom is better than yours (not negotiable, sorry) I now have plans in place to spend 3 nights after work next week in organization and downsizing mode. AND - breaking news - a THANKSGIVING trip to Austin in addition to my already in the books New Year trip. So, plenty to blog about and focus on in the future. 

And, now for the most important thing: WE ARE SIX DAYS AWAY FROM SUNDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL WITH KC/DENVER MATCHUP. Seriously aside from my organization mode, I am spending a lot of energy sending good chi to the Chiefs. While I'm not surprised at the media's disrespect of the Chiefs and actually believe that it serves a really motivational purpose for my team, it IS starting to wear on me. The Broncos have really had a very similar schedule as KC so far but no one questions their legitimacy as a team even though their one loss came from a team that this week got smacked down on by The Rams. The Rams. No, The RAMS. So, win or lose I need the Chiefs to go into Denver and show them through multiple, painful, smothering hits on Peyton Manning that they are for real. And then when Denver visits us in Arrowhead we can really beat down. I'm lighting the Chiefs victory lamp and considering finding a way to wear a little bit of red every day this week in solidarity. 

If you need me, I'll be the one quietly humming the Tomahawk Chop every spare moment I get over the next week.