Blog #162: Studio Success

That they do. I'm about to show you what happens when you productively channel emotions... I wish I had taken "before" pictures because this isn't going to look necessarily beautiful... Because I am not an interior designer and am not too interested in "decorating" a studio not designed for visitors. It's purpose is more my own haven of serenity... So while it is rough around the edges there at least isn't an overwhelming feeling of anxiety whenever I look around. I apologize for the lack of structured sentences in this paragraph.

Behold!

You know, it took some time but I finally accomplished what I intended to when I chose to downsize to a studio. I got rid of some things, found a place for everything, and settled into a manageable living situation I can maintain. I seriously feel so much relief when I am at home now. To reward myself I ordered Internet that I'll self install Friday. And God said it is not good for Marissa to be without her shows. He said let there be Netflix. And it was good.

Blog #161: acting as if

Who doesn't love the surge of productivity that follows a major life change? I've felt the most confident at work this week as I ever have. That's not easy to do in the mental health field and I'm going to enjoy it because feeling on top of things is reeeeeeeal fleeting in my position and probably by next week I'll wonder how I even ever qualified for the job.

I have a theory about my level of production this week. While it's at least 20% coffee related (my coffee intake has at least doubled this week) I think the other 80% was a state of mind inspired by a small habit change I made. Instead of rolling out of bed and throwing on whatever and maybe doing my makeup maybe not and the "eh, messy bun is fine" for my hair... I got back in the habit of picking out and putting together an outfit the night before - accessories and all. I styled my hair in the morning. Did my makeup before getting in the car. I felt and looked more put together than I had in months. And what followed was a productive, together week. In a way it's a lot like the "fake it til you make it" mentality but I prefer to call it "acting as if". By choosing to "act as if" I have my shit together, I end up actually... Sort of having my shit together! 

Now, shit gathered or not, I reserve my right to TOTALLY LOSE MY SHIT during both the major football games I have interest in this weekend. It doesn't matter what I wear. 

Blog #160: on changes and choices and CHIEFS

Before I start anything I need to say that I have that show "The Doctors" on right now and they were talking about an anti aging procedure that could "turn back the clock on your face" which is a nice turn of phrase but then the graphic that went along with it just said in big letters "CLOCK ON YOUR FACE" without the first part of the phrase and now I just want to say that to people who frustrate me. "CLOCK ON YOUR FACE, MF-ER!"

Okay. Things in life can go from one way to another very quickly regardless of who you are or what you do. And I am no exception. So while now I am again navigating singledom instead of relationship-dom unexpectedly I'm not going to write about it or spend time on it because change is part of life and I don't feel like spending any more time on this change.

Instead I am making choices to manage my feelings - giving myself personal time to experience them but then taking action by doing things I know will ultimately make me better in a more lasting and permanent way than feelings exist. Feelings come and go and are fickle and change all the time. So, instead of spending more than minimum necessary time with indulging them, I am choosing productivity. That means that now I have a clean (though it needs a vacuum) car, and the beginnings of a system of organization in my apartment. And, because my mom is better than yours (not negotiable, sorry) I now have plans in place to spend 3 nights after work next week in organization and downsizing mode. AND - breaking news - a THANKSGIVING trip to Austin in addition to my already in the books New Year trip. So, plenty to blog about and focus on in the future. 

And, now for the most important thing: WE ARE SIX DAYS AWAY FROM SUNDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL WITH KC/DENVER MATCHUP. Seriously aside from my organization mode, I am spending a lot of energy sending good chi to the Chiefs. While I'm not surprised at the media's disrespect of the Chiefs and actually believe that it serves a really motivational purpose for my team, it IS starting to wear on me. The Broncos have really had a very similar schedule as KC so far but no one questions their legitimacy as a team even though their one loss came from a team that this week got smacked down on by The Rams. The Rams. No, The RAMS. So, win or lose I need the Chiefs to go into Denver and show them through multiple, painful, smothering hits on Peyton Manning that they are for real. And then when Denver visits us in Arrowhead we can really beat down. I'm lighting the Chiefs victory lamp and considering finding a way to wear a little bit of red every day this week in solidarity. 

If you need me, I'll be the one quietly humming the Tomahawk Chop every spare moment I get over the next week.

Blog #159: Imaginaaaaation

Today, we talk about imagination.

I've always had a pretty active imagination. Probably because I've always been a huge reader. I love to read and always have. I go to a whole different place and time and can get in this zone of the story and all of the sudden hours pass by and I didn't even know. 

This served me really well as a little kid. I could entertain myself for hours. Anything could be a toy. Even basic school supplies. One time my Crayola markers were people who talked to each other and traded "hats" around. Another time it was my erasers (the kinds you put on the end of the pencil, are those still things?). Obviously the pink and purple markers/erasers were girls while blue and red were boys. Occasionally this would get me in trouble for not paying attention in class because I was involved in a dramatic enactment of my character's scenes from The Oregon Trail when the yellow marker has dysentery, but mostly the imagination was a good thing. You should see the plot lines and story arcs I had going with my barbies. Soap opera stuff. 

Growing up, however, has translated into a very different direction for my imagination. Instead of sitting at work creating stories with paper clips and post it notes, my imagination instead has me thinking of WORST POSSIBLE SCENARIOS. It gets pretty dark.

Last week I accidentally left my phone in my car overnight while it was in the shop getting a tire repaired. This wouldn't be a HUGE deal except that I don't have Internet or a land line in my apartment so I was OFF THE GRID. So, here is what imagination did for me:  

"No phone. Huh. Okay. Well, I don't need to reach anyone tonight. It's fine. I'll just read. Though, what if there's an emergency? What if something happens to someone in my family and they can't get ahold of me? I guess they could call Eric and he could come get me. But how would he get in? He doesn't have the pass code to my building and I wouldn't know he was here! And what if someone saw him trying to get in and got suspicious and called the police? I guess they would help him get in if they believed him. But what if they didn't!? And then he got arrested and was stuck in jail and couldn't call me? Or, what if someone does let him in and turns out to be a crazy person who attacks him in the elevator? And then they come after me! And then I can't call anyone either! Or what if he gets in and then takes the elevator because he thinks it will be quicker and then it gets stuck!? Oh god I can't be off the grid!"

It was ridiculous. And it was all because of my imagination. Who would have thought that the same gift that gave me hours of cheap entertainment as a child would be the one that fuels my wine drinking as an adult.

That was a joke. Don't send me things about substance abuse.

Blog #158: are you there blog? It's me, Marissa

Well. THAT escalated quickly. It really got out of hand.

One minute I'm pouring my heart out excited about my new job and new life and new possibilities and then all the sudden 7 months have passed and here I am all bleary eyed like I've just snapped out of a trance.

It's a whole different world from when I blogged last. I mean, the Chiefs are undefeated, Pitt State beat MOworst, cats and dogs are living together... It's like a weird parallel universe I never dreamed of being a part of.

I'm sorry. I really am. Not to the 3 people who ever read what I write here but to myself because this is a thing I enjoy doing and I let myself get swallowed up and overwhelmed and I stopped. And this wasn't the only thing I stopped doing. I stopped working out, I stopped having fun with my nails and clothes, I stopped reading as much... I basically spent the last 7 months In a haze of eating, sleeping, working, working, sleeping, watching Netflix, eating, drinking, and a couple sporadic other activities here and there to break the cycle.  Throughout that time you will also find some coping with family tragedy, relationship growing pains, no small amount of anxiety and fretting, and being just plumb tired. It's been an intense several months. I'm certainly not complaining as I'm convinced more than ever that in this world I'm definitively and unfairly one of the lucky ones - my own struggles included.

Don't worry about me. Things are okay. Pretty great even. And this is just a note to say that I think I'm back. No promises or anything but I'm settling in pretty well now in my new life and figuring out where things fit, and I'm pretty sure I am going to make room for this blog. I've been reading a ton lately which really gives me an itch to write, and blogger gives me a place to put my thoughts. Expect to find my musings here, with a lot less work stories than before because the most interesting (and often most hilarious) part of working in the mental health field is protected by HIPPA and they tend to frown on telling those stories on your blog. People are SO sensitive, I know.

Anyhow. Hey again. That's all.

Blog #157: ANNOUNCEMENTS! (and my overreaction to the loss of google reader)

"The water always looks too cold until you jump in and get used to it"

These are wise words from my mother about making big changes in life, a timely adage for my current situation. No, this is not just me being over dramatic about the end of Google Reader and my quest to find a new way to check all my favorite daily blogs.Though, you're right, I wouldn't put that past me either.

I have been so very lucky to spend the past 4 years working for my boss at Centrinex. I couldn't have asked for a more generous, flexible, and understanding person to work for as I pursued and finished my Master's degree. Very few other companies or bosses would have allowed for the creative scheduling and flex hours needed to make my educational aspirations a reality. On top of that, I have been able to have experiences that I would never have gotten to have on my own at this stage in my life. I've sat in the exclusive "Crown Club" at Royals baseball games numerous times. I've participated in company fitness challenges. I've gotten to go to banquets, conferences, concerts, and of course Chiefs games all in seats that I wouldn't be able to purchase on my own. I've planned parties, had Friday Happy Hours at the office, and drank for free at many events all because of who I am to my boss and the company. It's an experience that has likely spoiled me for other work environments.

But.

I've overstayed. That's happened to everyone, right? I got comfortable to the point that even when I finished my education, I was slow to start looking for jobs that used it and challenged my newly developed skills. Instead, I let the same tasks that once used to be fun for me eat away at me and annoy me. I began to resent the very things that I enjoyed even just a year ago. I knew it was time to be more active in my search for a job that justified the time and money I had invested in my education. So, I did. And I found something. Then I interviewed. Then, Friday, they offered me a job.

When my sweet nephews were 5 and 9 my cousin and I took them to the Omaha zoo. That's a big deal because we're in KC and our zoo doesn't have an aquarium (the KC aquarium wasn't there then). Anyhow, the 5 year old was SO EXCITED to walk through the tunnel to see the sharks. It was all he talked about the entire trip up there. Then, when the time came to walk through the aquarium tunnel, surrounded by glass and sea life on all sides, he FREAKED. He took off in the opposite direction. I had to chase him down and carry him into the tunnel. Eventually he calmed down and ended up loving it.

I tell this story because upon actually interviewing for the job and getting the offer my first instinct was fear. Like my  nephew I've been waiting for this moment, talking about it, excited for it, but all the sudden it's in front of me and it's so much bigger and all encompassing than I could have imagined. But, I'll get to see and learn so much more - much like he did once he actually forayed into the tunnel.

April 12th is my last day at the job where I consider I did the most of my "growing up" in the past 10 years. The following week I'll begin my new adventure as a Clinical Supervisor at Family Guidance Center. (It's in St. Joseph but it's a great place anyway. Don't worry, I'll bring all my Bearcat enthusiasm and shout it loud and proud)  I will be in a brand new situation with new expectations, goals, and responsibilities. A whole new life, really.

Change is scary, and transition is rarely easy. You're cold at first when you jump into the pool. However, you're also refreshed and exhilarated.At least with this change I don't have to worry about getting water up my nose. I'm so excited about my new adventure.

Blog #156: Big News!

This morning I got up and did my workout at the gym BEFORE work all on my own without having the accountability and $ motivation of having an appointment with my trainer!

These clothes actually got worn for their purpose today!

Granted, my motivation wasn't entirely pure. Aside from my upcoming poolside weekend in TX, my trainer has me on MWF resistance workout days.If I didn't get up early for this one, I'd have to do it after work meaning:

1. I'd be stuck inside for my workout while the sun was shining outside.

2. I'd be rushed to clean up in time for one of my all time favorite church services. (Good Friday is so powerful)

and perhaps most convincingly (though I know how admitting this makes me look)

3. I wouldn't be able to entertain the possibility of Friday happy hour at the office.

So, I was at the gym by 5:40am, warming up on the treadmill and then busting my muscles.

(What, you were expecting different news? THIS IS MY LIFE.)